WTF, Chuck? WTF should I do with all these Mardi Gras beads?

A reader writes in for ideas about what to do with all of the Mardi Gras beads he ended up with:

Dear Chuck,


My common law wife and I went to several Mardi Gras parades in Fairhope and Gulf Shores this weekend. We also took a chance with our lives by going to Mobile one night. We managed to survive even though we were surrounded by whoremongers and sinners.

Despite my best efforts, my CLW managed to show herself a few times and was immediately

punished as God (or his loyal servants on the floats) pelted her with beads from up high in the heavens. The onslaught of beads fell onto her naked bosom, nearly covering them from sight. It was all I could do to get her back into the van afterwards for the drive back home to Loxley.

While waiting on her punishment from God for the sinful display of her breasts in public, I noticed the piles and piles of beads strewn across the floor of our trailer home. I need help, Chuck. What can we do with all these beads?


The Preacher Man

Dear TPM,


While most people don’t resort to the questionable ways in which your common law wife obtained her beads, many people face this same dilemma. The beads pile up faster than extortionist lawsuits, it seems.

If you’re the artsy-fartsy type, maybe you could decorate with them. If you like animals, you could make a Mardi Gras bead dog. For cold nights walking the streets of Loxley, you could knit a Mardi Gras bead scarf or knit a necklace. A nice Mardi Gras bead floor lamp might be pretty or if you’re not that way you could use them to assist a physicist .

Personally, I like to throw them in the spokes of those neighborhood kids that ride their bicycles through my lawn. Or sometimes I twirl them in the air really fast and then whack heck out of street preachers when they harass me. I also like to save some of them for the parades next year so when I see some floozy showing herself at Mardi Gras I can punish her by throwing beads at her. That will show her the error of her ways and lead her to the light. Don’t you agree?

Thanks for the question, TPM. I hope some of these suggestions will help you. Good luck with it all.

If any readers have better ideas for what to do with all the Mardi Gras beads, we’d love to hear them. Leave them in the comments section.